A Note from Fatty: Today's excellent story comes to you from frequent commenter Born4Lycra. I have to say, I am really enjoying all the stories you readers are sending in. Thanks for covering for me! I believe I will make "Readers' Stories" a regular part of Fat Cyclist once I come back.

I'm wondering if anyone can offer any insight into what happened to me today...and help me avoid what might happen later today.

The Dilemma
I innocently accompanied Dave, a good mate and work colleague to a nearby bike shop (Mike Turtur Cycles Main North Rd Prospect SAust), merely to window shop while he inquired about various bikes across the Pinnarello, Orbea and Olmo range. He went to get prices and possibly buy, while I went for something to do and to spend my lunchtime surrounded by bikes, as well as maybe pick up a few tips, ideas, prices, and so forth for future reference.

My friend's single, well paid, and loaded. I'm married (happily) and am a proud dad with limited resources.

So why did I leave the proud owner of a new Orbea Venta limited edition 2007 model, while he is still trying to make up his mind between studying, athletics, cycling, golf and soccer?

Love at First Sight
It's true: I have always hankered after an Orbea -- preferably bright orange. You know, the kind of bike that looks fast even when leaning against the wall at the coffee shop. Of course it will look slower if I am in the picture, but I'm willing to live with that.

It's true: my own bike is close to the bottom of the range of Avanti's and probably needed updating. However, it was not in my plans to happen this year let alone this day.

Dave and I walked into the shop and Greg Turtur made his way straight for me. So how did Greg know I was vulnerable? Was it the drool? The audible sighs? Or was it just that I looked like a buyer? Regardless, Dave faded into the background -- gathering information quietly -- while I am directed straight to my fantasy on wheels (which has only been on display for 3 hours).

There were tell tale signs that the purchase was going to happen.

• I went through the bike fitting process. Only for future reference, of course. 
• They through me a brand new pair of Euskatel knix to wear during the fitting. Once they were open and used, I may as well keep them. Wow. Thanks!
• The whole setup was my size. Just lower the seat 15mm and it's done. Surprise, surprise. 
• True love. There were heaps of bikes, yet I only had eyes for this one.
• I bought my wallet with me. Inexplicable really because I usually don't take it anywhere. No cash in it, just ID.
• Yes the bike was obviously available for immediate delivery. I could be riding it tonight.

Token Objections
Sure, I tried to resist. Here's how it went:

Me: "I really like it but I obviously don't carry that sort of cash around."

Greg: "No problem, your word is enough for us."

So now, suddenly, I have an Orbea Bike. Somehow, the fact that it's not orange doesn't matter.

So back to my original problem: how did this happen? And more importantly, how I can tell my wife this tale I have just told you?

Salt Lake City, UT (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – The Utah House of Representatives met in special session today and overwhelmingly approved a measure that will rename a popular mountain biking trail in the Alpine Area.

Currently known as “Hog Hollow” the trail is to be renamed “The Hollow” when the bill becomes law. The measure is expected to pass the Senate and be signed by Governor Jon Huntsman no later than November 15.

The measure is an attempt by the Utah Legislature to end what has become one of the more bizarre chapters in recent Utah history. Once virtually unknown outside of northern Utah County, the site began attracting attention worldwide when internet savvy cycling enthusiasts wrote about it in their web logs. Some of these authors (known as ‘bloggers’) referred to the area as “Hog’s Hollow” which touched off a firestorm of debate and bickering among cycling aficionados, area educators and members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

“Most of the bloggers were just making an innocent mistake.” stated Rep. Elden C. Nelson (R-Alpine), who authored the bill. “The real trouble began when people who knew better would deliberately goad those who are a little too uptight about spelling and punctuation marks. That’s when things got out of hand.”

The contention reached crisis proportions when a Draper resident—known only as Doug—was arrested at the Hog Hollow trailhead for brandishing what appeared to be a giant metal apostrophe and threatening bodily harm to any cyclist who dared to say “Hog’s Hollow” in his presence. “We knew we had to take action,” Nelson said, “or somebody was bound to get hurt.” Doug is also suspected of releasing several dozen wild boars into residential areas in Alpine and Draper.  He could not be reached for comment.

Ironically, this is not the first time the area has been embroiled in a struggle for its name. Early Mormon Pioneer and polygamist LaVerle Willey Hoaglund originally owned most of what is now Hog Hollow. Hoaglund, who settled in Alpine in 1849 under the direction of Brigham Young, was affectionately nicknamed ‘Hogg’ by his seventeen wives.  Personal journals of Alpine residents and most Utah County newspapers referred to the area as “Hogg Hollow” until the early twentieth century.

In 1906 Lehi schoolteacher Thelma Thistlebloom successfully mounted a campaign to rename the area Hog Hollow “as to quell the rampant ignorance and lack of refinement in the community, especially among the children who cannot spell even the simplest of words.” Three of the four representatives who voted against the present bill—LaWanna Lou Shirtlift (D-Ogden); LaVar Christiansen (R-Sandy) and DeMar Bud Bahmann (R-Cedar City)—are descendants of Hoaglund.

In an effort to end the current controversy, legislators first considered “Swine Hollow” but faced considerable resistance from Alpine residents. “Piggy Hollow” was also considered but lawmakers feared it would raise the ire of the Jim Henson Company. Though “Pig Hollow” had popular appeal and ample legislative support, it did not resolve the apostrophizing issue. “But nobody is going to muck up ‘The Hollow’ with an apostrophe,” said Nelson. “Only an idiot who’d spell ‘moron’ with an ‘a’ or write ‘loose’ when he means ‘lose’ would be stupid enough to that.”

Jeff Alexandre (R-Provo), the other lawmaker who voted against the measure, isn’t so sure. “The bill makes it clear,” said Alexandre, “that the area shall be named ‘The Hollow’ and shall be manifest in all printed form as such and without deviation. It won’t be long until a renegade blogger types The Hollow or THE HOLLOW and that whole pack of rascals will be at it again.”

PS from Fatty: Today's fake news comes to you from "KeepYerBag." Good stuff, KYB! By the way, I'm now very glad I'm taking this break from writing; I'm finding these entries are a breath of fresh air here. If you'd like to submit something to be posted here, send it to fatty@fatcyclist.com.

PPS from Fatty: If you want to read something I wrote today, I've posted a new review at RandomReviewer.

In a couple hours, I'll post a funny fake news piece a reader submitted, but first: the good folks at Granny Gear Productions have acknowledged that the Jack Mormon Militia is in fact the overall winner of the 24 Hours of Moab.

Nice work, Kenny, Chucky, Josh, and Kevin!

The Granny Gear people have a great explanation and apology posted on their site; read it here. I applaud them for owning their error and committing to not have it happen again.

A Note from Fatty: For a couple weeks, Fat Cyclist stories will be coming from you, the readers. If you've got something you'd like published in this blog, send it to fatty@fatcyclist.com. Today's story --an excellent writeup of last weekend's 24 Hours of Moab race, comes to you courtesy of my good friend Kenny, owner of Kenny's One Hour Photo.

My team (four men, all on rigid singlespeeds), the Jack Mormon Militia, went to Moab with one goal: to see how high we could place in the overall. Last year we placed seventh. We hoped that we could improve on this, with the right conditions.  

Run, Josh, Run
The race started out great.  We had the newbie, Josh Wolfe, do the Le Mans start. It was a good way to break him into the race. It's a crowded run in a rutted, rocky field about 500 yards around a bush and back to your bike.   You end up starting your lap out of breath with a nose full of dust.

It turned out to be a good call, because Josh did well in the run and was on his bike fifth out the gate.  He passed everyone but Nat Ross on the climb and kept his lead until the slight downhill section, where he got passed back, because of the singlespeed, by a lot of the faster solo riders and duo pros. He turned out a 1:12 and we were in tenth place.  

Get My Name Right
Chuck, the second to go, went out with a mission to do the fastest lap for our team and set the tone for the rest of the race. 

The announcer was making a big deal about Nat Ross leading the race and the solo category.  He was talking about the fact that Nat likes to lead the race for the first couple of laps and then settle into a 24 hour pace.  I knew the first guy to come in would be in Gary Fisher gear, but it wasn’t going to be the factory guy. Here's how events unrolled:

Announcer: “And here he is Nat Ross coming thru on his second lap in the lead.

Chucky: middle finger. 

Announcer:  “Wait, Wait….that’s not Nat Ross..that’s Cameron Chambers”  (who wasn’t even at this race). 

Chucky: another middle finger. 

Announcer: “Hold on a sec.  278...that’s the Jack Mormon Militia, Charles Gibson on a rigid single speed, tearing it up with a 1:10 lap time.  That, my friends, is a superior athlete!”   

Not Bad for a First Try (Ha)
Kevin Day from Ogden was the third to go out.  He rode a 1:15.  He later admitted to me that this was his first ride on a rigid single speed bike. His chain fell off 5 times, because he was riding with a cog that he took off of an old cassette.  (Those of us who ride singles know that doesn’t work.)

What was amazing to me was that this was his first ride on a single speed bike, his chain fell off 5 times and he still did a 1:15 lap.  He got passed by one kid from a junior team from Boulder, sponsored by their channel Four news.  This team was amazing. They were kids, 16-18, and super fast. 

Kenny the Boat Anchor
Being the slowest guy on my team (Editor's note: ??!??!), I elected to go last.  Secretly, I had done the math, and if all went well that would give me 3 day laps and 2 night laps.  In my old age, my night vision isn’t what it used to be. 

I felt great on my first lap.  The course was fast, not too sandy and I came into the tent in first place with a couple of minutes to spare. I did a 1:12. 

At this point the announcer was throwing out all sorts of crap. I think I heard him say that my 1:12 lap on a single was the equivalent of a 50 minute lap on a geared bike. I wish.   

All Hell Breaks Loose
Josh had another 1:12 lap and all of a sudden we had a gap of about 7 minutes on the channel four team, in second. 

That’s when all hell broke loose. 

It started to rain.  Then, it started to pour. Then, it started to flood.  I’ve heard of the desert flash floods, but I’ve never witnessed one first hand.  There was seriously 2 feet of water on the dirt road in front of our tents.  Chucky was out on his lap, the first night lap, when all this started. He said he saw a guy ride into a puddle and then just disappear into a giant rut. 

At an hour thirty, Chuck rode into the transition area, holding his light in one hand, because the bracket had broke off.  By the time he made it up to the road in front of our tents, the two foot river had subsided to only a foot.  

Kevin did another 1:30 lap in the harshest of conditions. That’s when they called the race.  They let everyone finish their lap and they said that they would start again at 7 in the morning.

Yes, that's right: We were leading the race by 11 minutes over second place and they stopped the race.  I’ve done so many endurance races in harsh conditions and never have they even considered stopping the race.  I’ve always felt that an endurance event, is just that, enduring. Enduring weather.  Enduring harsh conditions.  Enduring your fitness.  Enduring bike issues. It’s never too wet or too cold if you are prepared with the right clothes and the right gear. 

Everyone signs the waiver. Let everyone make the decision whether they are prepared to endure. 

So after they got everybody off the course, for the next 12 hours, the powers that be tried to figure out a way to restart the race. 

The rain went away. 

The rivers went away.

The course was prime, but no one was on it.  

They said it was taking so long, because they were trying to figure out the fairest way to get everybody back riding. 

Genius Restart
What they actually did, I can’t understand how they felt like it was fair and why it took so long to make the decision.  They subtracted every team's last lap added 14 hours and somehow came up with a start time for each team.  There were 4 teams with 7 laps.  We were one of them.  The faster teams spent one and a half to two laps in the bad conditions. 

They let the slower teams go out first.  Our start time was 11:33 am, only 27 minutes before the end of the race.  They were starting riders at 9:00, and the first place team, my team, they had decided in the fairest way possible to send out at 11:33. 

To be perfectly clear: They let the fifth, sixth and seventh place teams start out more than an hour and a half before we could even start riding. Which meant that they could catch up to us and pass us before we could even get back on the course. 

And that’s what happened. 

Statement
As a team, we decided to make a statement with our fastest lap.  I knew I could only do this with my team's help.  We’d all just been sitting around for 14 hours waiting to ride, so we decided we would do the lap together as a team. 

I went for it.  It was all or nothing. 

I had only done one lap so far and it was the day before. My team rallied behind me, literally giving me pushes on the hills and drafts on the flats and descents. On the big sandy hill that everyone walks up Kevin and Josh took turns carrying my bike to the top. I tried to jog up, but I was feeling pretty hammered. 

I started to recover a bit on the top rolling section and was spinning hard on the flats.  We must have been some what of a spectacle, four guys in blue, riding single file on single speed rigid bikes, hammering thru the rocky sand stone drops and ledges. Josh was yelling out occasionally, “YEAH ….Jack Mormon Militia!” 

I was starting to feel really sluggish as we came to the last climb out. My team mates would yell out encouragement as they saw me starting to fade.   I was pegged, but finished hard thru the camp and into the timing tent.  I jerked down my jersey zipper and ran my time card across the sensor.  1:09:17

I’ve probably done close to 50 laps around that behind the rocks 24 hours of Moab course.  That was and always will be the most memorable. 

I’m not sure how the standings are going to work out.  At this point we’re sitting fourth.  I heard they’re planning on giving us the win and calling the race as of 8 o'clock, when they shut it down.  If they do, it will be the first time a single speed team has won the overall. 

That would be cool.

(left to right: Kevin, Chuck, Kenny, Josh)

PS from Fatty: If you'd like to let Granny Gear Productions (the promoter of 24 Hours of Moab) know your views on who won this race, you can reach them via email: heygranny@grannygear.com. Be clear, be polite, and tell 'em Fatty sent you.

Maybe it's the gloomy weather. Maybe it's the unusually high number of snide comments lately (probably also brought on by the gloomy weather). Maybe it's that I've hit some sort of mental plateau, where I don't feel like I have anything new to say.

Regardless, I'm not having fun writing this blog right now, and want to take a break from writing for a couple weeks.

But I don't want this blog to die while I recharge my batteries. I know a lot of you have interesting stories to tell, and I'd like to read and publish them.

So here's your chance to be the Fat Cyclist (a real dream come true, right?). Write something you think would go well in this blog -- an epic ride story, a fake news piece, an observation about biking in general, or whatever else you like -- and email it to me: fatty@fatcyclist.com. If I like it, I'll publish it. It's that simple.

A few things to keep in mind:

• Watch the length: Remember, most people are reading this blog during a work break. I'm not putting length restrictions on this because if I find something really long that I otherwise absolutely love, I'll break it into a multi-part entry and post it. More likely, though, really long is going to hurt your chances.
• Keep it clean. My kids read this blog; I'm not going to publish anything I wouldn't want them to read.
• Keep it topical. If it's not at least tangentially related to biking, you might want to send your story elsewhere.
• Keep it fun.

Don't put your story in an attachment; put it right in the email body. You can attach pictures if you like, though.

While I'm Away
While I'm taking a break from writing, I'll still be working on this blog. In fact, I plan to be adding some new stuff that should make Fat Cyclist a more interesting place to visit.

If that's even possible.

Ha.

Something's changed. It's the same something that changes every year around this time. And that something is my motivation level. Sometime in late September, I stop thinking about how strong or fast or light or heavy I am, and start thinking about mashed potatoes.

Oh, how I love mashed potatoes.

I should be more specific: I love my mashed potatoes. Everybody loves my mashed potatoes. If there were a mashed potato contest, I'd enter it with confidence. And if I didn't win, I'd feel robbed.

My kids love my mashed potatoes more than any other food in the world. They'd rather eat my mashed potatoes than dessert. And so would I, for that matter.

Friends and relations call early in the year to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner -- even though they don't care for me personally -- because my mashed potatoes are so good.

Nobody puts gravy on my mashed potatoes. This is because people intuit that while other mashed potatoes need gravy, my mashed potatoes do not need such a crutch.

How to Make Great Mashed Potatoes
People always ask me, "Fatty, how do you make such incredible mashed potatoes?"

I do not tell them.

It's not that there's a secret. There's not. And it's not that these are difficult to make. They're not.

It's that if I tell people how bad these mashed potatoes are for them, they'll never eat them again, and that would be a shame.

The thing is, though, most of you won't ever be eating Thanksgiving with me anyway. So I don't mind telling you about my mashed potatoes. And then you can make them, call them your own, and be famous within your own circle of friends for the best mashed potatoes in the world.

Start by peeling a 10lb bag of potatoes. Cut each potato into six or eight pieces. Put the potatoes into heavily salted water and boil until the potatoes reach "ready to mash" consistency.

No, I don't know how long that is, and I can't explain what that consistency is. If you can't tell, perhaps you don't have any business making my mashed potatoes.

Drain the water out. If someone else is making gravy, you can offer your water to them, because salty boiled potato water makes great gravy. Not, mind you, that you'll need gravy.

It's important you do this next part while the potatoes are very hot.

Toss in 2 sticks of butter. Do not use margarine, no matter what. Toss in a fistful of grated mozzarella cheese, and a much smaller fistful of grated Jack.

Now start mashing. Use a masher, not a mixmaster or other appliance. You don't want these to be smooth and fluffy. (That's what mashed potatoes from flakes are.) You want these to be recognizable as potatoes.

Continue until the potatoes are mashed and the butter and cheese are melted in.

Now, put in a big double wooden-spoonful of sour cream. And mash some more.

Taste.

If you don't weep with joy, you did it wrong.

PS: I wonder why I always gain weight during the Autumn?

Yesterday, after posting about how I had finished the base of my teeter, I had a little IM conversation with Brad:

Brad: When do I get to come try it out?"

Fatty: Oh, I think we'll finish it tonight or tomorrow.

Brad: Cool, I'll send out an email to everyone to meet at your house tomorrow at 7am.

Fatty: No, I said I MIGHT finish it tonight.

Brad: Well, if everyone's going to be at your house tomorrow at 7, you'll be highly motivated to finish it before then.

Brad was right. Knowing that people would be coming over to put the teeter through its paces the next morning, I got to work as soon as I got home. Luckily, the challenging part of the teeter -- the base -- was done; building the ramp was just a matter of cutting 2" x 4" boards into equal-length slats, beveling the ends of the 2" x 6" x  12' boards, and drilling a hole in the right place.

Finishing the Job
Here's are a few notes about this part of the job. This is mostly just boasting and meandering observations, so you can skip on to the next section if you want. It has pictures and video and descriptive text and stuff.

• Somewhere, I measured something wrong. According to the design I made, the ramp was supposed to be 15.5" wide. I'm glad that before I started cutting boards, though, I measured the distance between the uprights: 17". I didn't want 1.5" of play between the ramp and uprights, so made an executive decision: the ramp would be 16.5" wide. My guess is that extra inch is from the 2" x 4" boards not really being 2" x 4".
• My technique for placing the boards on the ramp worked perfectly. By the time I had cut all the 2" x 4" boards I had bought, I had 28 16.5" pieces, each 3.5" wide. The ramp is 144" long. So that means I had 46" of gap space (144 - (28*3.5)) I had to distribute. You have no idea how proud of myself I am for remembering there would be only 27 gaps to divide this space into, not 28. So individual gaps would be 1.7" (46 / 27) wide, meaning the total distance from the left edge of one board to the left edge of the next board would be 5.2". On my ruler, that's close enough to 5 1/4" to call good. I marked increments of 5 1/4" on one 12' board, clamped the two 12' boards together, then used a t-square to draw a line across both boards together, so any little errors I made in measuring would be represented on both boards, keeping things even.
• Things seem much bigger inside than outside. As I built this teeter, I kept asking myself if those 12' boards were too long. I'd look at the way I couldn't stand them upright in my garage because they hit the (high) ceiling. When I finally finished the teeter and assembled it in the backyard, suddenly that 12' ramp looked just right.
• Why the hole is offset 4" instead of 3". I had planned to offset the hole by three inches, but -- of course -- there was a big knot intersecting the point the hole would go. Knowing that I didn't want to bore a big hole overlapping a knot, I moved the hole location an inch to the left. In practical terms, that means it takes an inch longer before the teeter flips over, and you have an inch less rollout at the end.
• My wife has a good eye. As I was about 2/3 of the way done building the ramp, my wife came out into the garage, looked at the hole in the ramp, looked at the base, and said, "Hm." I hate it when she says that. She then pointed out that the lateral bracing I had put at the top of the diagonal bracing would get in the way of the ramp -- it would be impossible to put the ramp on the low setting the way I had it. It only took about ten minutes for me to shift that bracing down about three inches, but I'm glad she pointed this problem out while I still had everything in the garage, not once I had it out in the yard.

Take a Look
Just before dark, it was done. It takes two adults to lift and move each part, but my wife was game to help. Here's how it looks when I sit on the ground and take a picture so it looks as steep, long, and imposing as possible.

And here's what it looks like when you're approaching it:

And, to give you an idea of how high the ramp goes, here's me standing by it this morning, with the ramp at the high setting. I'm 5'8", and the top of the ramp is higher than my head. Not that this end of the ramp is still going to be pointed up by the time you get to it, but you can't help but wonder as you're riding....

First Ride
A little bit nervous, I opted to put it on the low setting for the first few tries. Click here for a video (in YouTube) of my very first ride on the Teeter.

And here's a video from the front.

Nattering nabobs' predictions notwithstanding, it worked beautifully. Solid as a tank, too. I daresay Al Maviva and Big Mike could ride a tandem over this thing (which, by the way, I would pay $50 to see)without the teeter breaking. I would not vouch for the status of the tandem, however.

More Fun This Morning
As promised, some friends -- Brad, Gary, Botched -- showed up this morning to try out the teeter.  Starting with the low setting, we rode it a few times, getting a feel for it. I was a little nervous because -- not wanting to be shown up by my friends -- I was riding my singlespeed today, which is fully rigid. Things went great, though.

And then I got cocky.

Here's a bit of advice: no matter how many times you ride a teeter, don't ride it casually, and especially don't ride it casually at low speed. Here's me, suddenly realizing I'm not going fast enough. You can see I'm veering left:

And here's me, after rolling off the left edge before I hit the bottom of the ramp, causing me to stack up and endo from a pretty decent height:

Now Higher
So what's the proper response to a painful fall (though not too painful, thanks to nice soft grass)? Raise the fulcrum! Here's me rolling off the bottom of the ramp, now much steeper, demonstrating that I'm a "get back on the horse" kinda guy:

And here's a much better picture of Brad riding this steeper and higher ramp:

You want to know what's going through Brad's head in this picture? It's this: "I'm more than eight feet in the air and only three feet from the end of the ramp. Is this thing going to start going down sometime soon, or should I bail right now before this gets worse?"

And now video: Here's Brad, riding the Teeter set at the high level. Scary!

Botched showed up for the ride, um, ill-equipped. That is, he had no helmet, no bike shoes, and no bike. Kindly, I loaned him my bike and told him to give it a whirl anyway. Here's Botched, making a tentative roll up the ramp.

He then bailed out by riding the bike backward down the ramp.

Yes, really.

Here's my question: If you have the skill to ride a bike up a ramp, stall, and then ride it back down the ramp backward, why don't you just ride the whole stinkin' ramp?

I believe I posed this very question to Botched, though I may also inadvertently have called him a coward somewhere in there. Here's his reply:

So What's Next?
I don't really want to leave this in my backyard. It was fun to build and it's fun to ride, but I want to share it. What I'd really like to do is make this part of Lambert Park, a great little mountain bike park near where I live. If anyone in the Utah area knows the right people to make this happen, let me know. Or if you know of another good place this could go without getting destroyed or getting people into trouble, let me know.

As for me, I had a blast building this thing. I'm already thinking about what my next mountain bike stunt project will be.

Stuff gets in my head. And once stuff gets in my head, it tends to displace pretty much everything else. Which is my way of saying that once I decided I really would make a mountain bike teeter, that's been the focal point of my existence.

And I'm having a lot of fun building it.

Change In Plans
You know, nobody says they're a big fan of designing by committee, so how come so many things get designed by committee? In the case of my teeter, the committee started designing because I asked them to. So, uh, my mistake. I'm pretty much going with my design, in spite of the dire predictions handed down by Very Experienced and Knowledgeable People.

That said, I have made some changes to the design. Specifically:

• I made the base wider: At 48" wide, the base is now nearly square.
• I made the pillar shorter: I really liked the idea of having three levels for the teeter, but realized as I was looking down at my feet while riding: the lateral distance between the outsides of my feet may well be more than 15.5". So when set at the lowest level for beginners, beginners wouldn't ride it anyway, because the pillars in the center would be in the way. So I went with 36" pillars and two levels. This is still a plenty steep ramp, and when set at the lower level, the pillar will only be an inch or two above the level of the ramp -- lower than the pedals ever get.
• I beveled the ends of the ramp: Actually, I always planned to do this, but the plan reflects that now.

If you're interested in downloading and viewing this design in its 3D glory using Google's free "Sketchup" 3D design program, you can see it from any angle, zoom in, and so forth. Click on the picture below to go to the page where you can download this diagram.

Getting to Work
I generally have a strange reaction to building stuff: I get stressed out, nervous, and very, very snippy. This hasn't happened while building the teeter. I think it's because I had already designed and built it on paper, so wasn't as worried that when I started working on it, I'd discover there was a fundamental problem with my idea.

So planning before building has its benefits. Who'd have imagined?

Also, I'm not building this for anyone, and I don't have a deadline. It's just for me. So if it turns out to be a total disaster, I make kindling, and nobody's the wiser. (Except all of you Fat Cyclist readers, who are going to have fun at my expense whether this thing turns out perfectly or horribly, horribly wrong, so what's the difference?)

So yesterday I got Gary (everyone should have at least one friend with a truck) to give me a ride to Home Depot to pick up materials, and then my son and I got to work.

You know what happens if you use a table saw to cut out four different notches in the 4" x 4" posts you're using as the base a saw-blade-width at a time? Two things:

• Your forearms get tired from pushing the board over the blade hundreds of times.
• You finally get over that terror of the table saw you've had your whole life.

Cutting a 45-degree angle with a table saw isn't easy, either. My next tool purchase is definitely a miter saw.

You know what's mysterious? It's mysterious that a 3/4" pipe won't fit through a whole drilled by a 1" bit. Which means I made a trip to the hardware store for a 1 1/4" bit, through which the pipe fits kind of loosely. So I drilled a hole with the 1 1/4" bit through an extra piece of wood, which I'm going to take to Home Depot and see if a 1" pipe fits through. I figure a snugger fit is better.

Here are all the pieces, laid out and ready to assemble.

And now here's the completed base, 2/3 of a 5lb box of wood screws later:

And a view from a little higher above:

You can see that wherever it made sense, I used metal brackets to reinforce where the wood's joined. Also, I'm very pleased with my idea of using an elbow and short section of pipe at each end of the pivot. The short section of pipe is used as a handle, making it easy to twist the elbow section on and off for when you want to move the ramp up or down.

This sucker's heavy. I can move it myself, but not easily. And feels sturdy, too. Though I'm sure it'll collapse into splinters as soon as I take it outside.

What's Next?
Now my son and I need to build the ramp. That's going to be a lot of work: Measure, cut, and drill ~30 slats, then glue and screw them onto the top of the 2"x6"x12' boards. We might finish tonight, but will more likely finish tomorrow.

And then it's teeter riding time. Anyone want to come try it out?

PS: One more question for the committee: I want the ramp to always come down on one side, so it's resting firmly in place as you approach, then goes back down to its original position once you get off the ramp. I figure an easy way to do that is to have the pivot point of the ramp off-center. Right now, I'm figuring 4" off sounds about right, but that's arbitrary. Any thoughts on how far from the middle of the ramp the hole ought to go?

Here's what I saw during my mountain bike ride at Tibble Fork (10 minute drive from my house) this morning before work:

So, how was your morning?

You know what I miss about Seattle? I miss riding with Bob. Trying -- and often, succeeding -- those constructed stunts on Tapeworm, Mr. DNA, and Cropcircles with Bob was good stuff.

The stunt I liked best of all was the Teeter. Back before I moved out to Utah, I said that I was going to build one. And I've kind of kept building one the back of my mind for months. The thing is, I haven't been able to find any plans or diagrams that I really liked, because I have something really specific in mind for my Teeter:

• It's got to be long: I'm thinking 12'.
• It's got to be adjustable: I want it to be a simple matter for two guys to be able to move the pivot point up or down, so beginners won't get too intimidated by the incline, and experts won't be bored by it.
• It's got to be portable: I'm hoping to find a place to donate this once I'm finished, so I want to be able to move it. Also, I like the idea of people being able to move stunts around, chaining them together in different ways.
• It's got to be fun to build with my son: My 10-yr-old loves building stuff, and we have a great time working on projects like this together. I need this to be something he can be co-owner of.

So last night, frustrated with what's evidently a total absence of well-conceived Teeter plans on the Web, I started looking for some free software I could use to plan my own (my pencil-and-paper drawings were totally useless).

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at this, but Google's got a nice little 3D drawing program called "Sketchup." And like everything else Google does, it's free. (Side Topic: I know that a lot of Google's business model is based on advertising, but has anyone ever actually clicked on one of those ads or made a purchase decision based on one? I mean, I love my free stuff, but free CAD software? Sheesh.)

So I downloaded it and started to play.

Four Hours Later...
OK, I won't say that this was the easiest thing to use. But hey, free's hard to argue with. And once I start on something, I tend to get a little obsessive. So, around 2:00am this morning, I finished my Teeter design:

I admit, I am not a professional draftsman, and this was in fact the first thing I've ever made with a CAD program. But I'm pretty pleased. Here are the essentials:

• Length: 12'
• Plank Width: 15.5"
• Maximum pivot height: 40"
• Minimum pivot height: 36"

If you've downloaded and installed Sketchup, you can download and open the 3D model I created here.

I'm excited to start building this thing. So excited, in fact, I've got my shopping list all ready to go.

Fatty's Teeter Shopping List

• 4 2" x 6" x 12' boards (2 for plank rails, 1 for diagonal column supports, 1, for columns)
• 4 2" x 4" x 12' boards (3 for riding planks, 1 for base and ad-hoc strengthening)
• 1 4" x 4" x 8' board (for base)
• Coarse sandpaper
• Wood screws
• 16 sets 4" x 3/8" Bolts, nuts, and washers
• 8 sets 6" x 3/8" Bolts, nuts, and washers
• Loc-tite
• Wood glue
• 1 1" x 2' pipe
• 2 elbow connectors for 1" pipe
• 2 short bars for 1" pipe
• 1 1" drill bit
• 1 3/8" drill bit
• 4 clamps

What's Left?
My son and I are going to get started on this thing tonight. I'd like to finish it by next Monday. I admit, I'm nervous. I don't even know how many times I've set out to build something and have it fail in a major way. And while I am not a anxious guy in most circumstances, when I'm woodworking, I can get pretty high-strung -- mistakes are hard to reverse, you know?

There are a couple things I plan to do that don't show up on my design here. I'm going to use my bandsaw to round out the corners at the ends of the totter, so it's not a hard corner digging into the ground (which will be my lawn, at least initially). I also plan to put a couple of braces laterally, joining opposing diagonal braces. I don't know if that's necessary -- probably overkill -- but I expect it can't hurt.

If you're a woodworking kind of guy and see serious problems with what I've designed here, let me know. But be quick (and nice) about it, K? I want to get going on this.

Oh, and if you happen to know of some really great teeter plans that are on the net or in your top-left drawer at the bikeshop you work at, please keep that information to yourself. Too late now. Thanks!